If dumb Drew Barrymore scores an inaugural-ball invite, I will be very nervous we have elected yet another administration that mistakes a jolly personality for talent. She is so ordinary! And I would be so jealous!

Dear Rachel,

I love you. Not lesbo-type love — I mean, you’ve got Susan and I’ve got Mr. MILF, and home wrecking is so not family friendly. But now that you’ve been rightfully deified by New York Magazine, and Obama has been elected, I think the time is right to discuss your hair. Please, keep reading. I come to you as one who’s been pixie-cropped for well over a decade. And it’s not like I want to do a complete overhaul. I mean, I totally dig your pink lipstick, lavender shadow and plunging necklines.

But your ‘do needs a major makeover. First, the cut. The holy grail of short hair for girls is choppy layers, and your current helmet-headed brush back gives butches a bad name. Second, the product. That crunchy gel might fly in Western Mass, but in the West Village, you’ve got to make it appear effortless, even if everybody knows it’s not. So, here’s what I suggest: Get thee to my personal stylist, Pepper Pastor, who will be able to write a thesis about your crop after five minutes in her chair. Then she will introduce you to the genius of Sumotech by Bumble and bumble. Trust me, you’ll be hooked — and then we can start talking color.

Don’t worry about alienating your audience with your update. Liberals love a little vanity. Call me for moral support. I’m here for you, babe.

Love,
Magazine MILF

And Malia and Sasha get a puppy! And guess who’s going to take care of it?!

If you want keep your kids away from sweets, and you aren’t Jewish, consider Madonna’s methodology. According to Us Weekly, the only dessert that passes the lips of Lourdes & Co., are macaroons — not the airy French beauties at left, but the homely bricks at right, made by the kosher monopoly of Manischewitz.
Why Madonna’s way works: If your kids think dessert is a tasteless constipating agent, they’ll never crave it!
Key to making Madonna’s way work: Keep contact with real Jewish kids extremely limited. Rather than eat Manischewitz macaroons, the little maziks use them to dole out black eyes to hated Hebrew school teachers and the Shabbat dorks who take succor in them.

p.s. Macaroons are not for the holiday of Purim, as stated in Us, but for Passover. The magazine’s copy editor who should have caught the error — well, she attended a rival Hebrew school in my hometown, and she was usually out skipping class and pretending to smoke cigarettes with me!