If you are a black woman with designs on getting into Glamour, you better have a really black ‘do. Don’t, in Glamour parlance, even dream of getting into the mag with straight hair — even if every black celebrity from Halle Berry to Kerry Washington to Iman sports it. Because ever since the bogus La Scandale Dreadlock, every regular black woman who has appeared in a beauty- or fashion-makeover story in the magazine, wears anything but. And this month, in “8 Great Mini-Makeovers,” Glamour really took the show to Harlem, featuring not only an ultra-frizzy ‘fro but also — hold onto your Soul Glo, sistahs — extra wide cornrows! Without comment! What’s next? Jewish girls without nose jobs?

No wonder gun sales are going through the roof! New York Mag reports cash-strapped crazies are giving up head-shrinking, and Marie Claire has devoted six pages to Therapy 101. It goes without saying that These Economic Times call for serious soul searching, not to mention much more talking patients off the ledge. And you can just imagine the paranoia working both ways, especially with the clock ticking on the Obama inauguration. For those who can no longer afford a doctor to keep them from going postal, hello gun shop. And for those who see psychology as the realm of wussies, and rising crime statistics as a call to arms, hello weapons dealer. So, where does that leave those of us (admitted wussies) too afraid to pack heat and too afraid to stop paying someone to listen to pressing problems like preschool admissions? On higher ground, perhaps, but completely exposed. Suddenly, I know exactly what I want for hannukah: matching mommy-daughter bullet-proof vests, preferably in hot pink. It’s the perfect follow-up safety project for Karl Lagerfeld!