Hey Jen!
I know I haven’t ever written anything nice about you because I think your talent and looks are overrated. But I’m asking you to put all that aside for a sec because I’m deeply concerned and I sincerely want to help. It looks like you’re going through some kind of mid-life crisis. And seriously, who wouldn’t in your position? Ten years ago, your life was freakin’ awesome. You were raking in a million bucks per episode of “Friends,” which even the cynics among us have to admit is still funny and charming in syndication. And you were married to Brad Pitt. Enough said.
Then, weirdly, everything started to suck. After a fairly strong start with “Office Space” and “The Good Girl,” your movies bombed. Soon after, your marriage imploded because of that thing Angelina did that was “uncool,” and your post-Pitt love life became a cautionary joke — Vince Vaughn after he was hot, male models — need I say more?
Now, I know you’re sick of talking about your personal life, because you’ve said as much in basically every magazine in print. So here’s how to end it: Get the hell out of dodge. The plan, inspired by New York Mag’s travel itineraries, is this:
1. Buy one one-way ticket to Goa. Courteney Cox is the only person who should know of your escape. John Mayer must be left behind — he is a publicity ho and he will sell you out in a second. So will your mother.
2. Get a cute hut in Anjuna. Spend your first month doing nothing but smoking dope so you can get all zen about the disaster your life has been these past few years.
3. Sunbathe on deserted beaches by day, go to raves by night, and have lots of hot, anonymous revenge sex with shoestring travelers.
4. Keep doing bong hits.
5. Make routine Underhill excursions to the Park Hyatt to suss out the billionaire sitch. Use them for hot, anonymous revenge sex.
6. Suppress that urge to call Janice Min to give her a friendly heads-up as to your whereabouts. Your disappearance must be total.
7. Suppress that urge to take out Angelina during one of her bogus humanitarian missions in nearby Bombay. Repeat the mantra, “No ‘Midnight Express’ in India. No ‘Midnight Express’ in India.”
8. It’s been five years, and it’s comeback time. Get your bod back into killer shape, and get a fresh cut and color.
9. “Friends, Reunited!” “Office Space: Life After Arson!” “Charlie’s Angels, Part Two!” I know the career ending’s not quite up to par with Angelina’s, but what were you expecting? “Mr. and Mrs. Smith: The End of the Affair” ???
10. Justin Gatson! He might be old for Miley right now, but in five years, he’ll be 25 to your 45 — total shades of Demi and Ashton!
Here’s to reality checks and checking out. Lots of luck, babes!
Love,
Magazine MILF
Does the Tina Fey cover of Vanity Fair make you happy to be alive, or what? I mean, hitching Tina’s star to Barack Obama’s? And basically giving her credit for his win with a lone cover line — “A New American President! A New American Sweetheart!”? The whole thing makes me want to explode into patriot confetti and craft a flag-pin jacket like the one her co-star Alec Baldwin sported for his September New Yorker profile. Except I’d go neo-Tina sexy style, and wear it only with fishnets, stilettos and some lacy undersomething. OMG. Lightbulb! I think I’ve just dreamed up the perfect after-party outfit for Michelle Obama!
