When is somebody going to write an article about Bernie Madoff worth reading? Everybody from Vanity Fair to New York to Portfolio – not that I, nor anybody else, in the financial sector has ever thought to read Portfolio — has bled thousands of words saying precisely the same thing about how this psychopath swindled so many: NOTHING. Magazines like Vanity Fair have won awards for investigative journalism, but their Madoff stories give us nothing but enlightening nuggets about his charm and smirky arrogance, with some (admittedly heart-wrenching) stories about families who lost everything because they trusted this criminal. No wonder The MILF hasn’t bothered reading a single article about the jerk — they’re a waste of time. So, to all you editors planning your own Madoff expose — and we really do need a comprehensive tell-all — here’s what we really want to know: How did he do it? How is it that nobody caught him? And did he ever show signs that he was hiding something so huge? Interviewing the investment professionals who knew years ago that Bernie Madoff was a total fraud is a good place to start (Goldman Sachs blacklisted Madoff in the late 1990s). And now that the cat’s out of the bag, it can’t be all that difficult to find somebody close to Bernie to spill the beans on the man who stripped a Holocaust survivor like Elie Wiesel of his fortune either. After all, more people want Madoff dead than Salman Rushdie. And we need this story before the fatwah-free man croaks.