How much fun would it be to get wasted with Oprah? She drinks bowlfuls of top-shelf champagne, she has the dish on everyone, and she harbors serious secrets. As in, what does she really think of Tyra? And what does she really really think of Gayle?

What a week for Jewish mothers! First came New York’s Escape from the Holy Shtetl about a rebellious Yid attempting to get her daughter back from the insane asylum otherwise known as Kiryas Joel. Then, in today’s Thursday Styles, Kate Torgovnick reveals that a tattoo does not prevent burial in a Jewish cemetery. Jewish mothers everywhere are cursing out Torgovnick — shiksah? tattooed Jew? — for stamping out what scholars now describe as an urban legend. Even if the Chosen People tattoo taboo has lost its power as tats have become more accepted in society, it was still great guilt ammo for yentas everywhere. What’s next? News that it’s not really rabbinically ordained for Jewish children to grow rich and run the world?

If you’ve already forfeited your New Year’s resolution to work out regularly and commit to South Beach Phase I indefinitely, these skinny cargo pants should be all the reason you need to get back with the program. I mean, how hot are these?

Sadly, these trousers, and Philip Lim’s amaaaazing white tuxedo jacket, were the only things of interest in Lucky’s annual “Next Big Things.” Everything else looked predictable or cheap or like a serious Don’t once in the hands of an amateur (enthusiasts Lucky readers may be, but expert layerers who can manage to make jersey look uniformly flattering they are not).

As much as I love Lucky, the magazine is so hit or miss with the product: I either use tons of the tags or none. When it’s the latter, I get such a lonely, empty feeling , because even though I never buy anything I’ve flagged (sizing online is too stressful for me), it always gets the pheremones pumping when there’s lots to love.

Wanna know the dirty little secret of charity art auctions? Artists hate them, and so do their dealers. And they have every reason to. Now, I know you’re going to think I’m an uncharitable wretch but, first of all, there are plenty of organizations that can attest otherwise. And second, imagine being hit up — nay, pressured — on a regular basis to produce your work, which is likely a signature style arrived at during penniless times, free of charge. This happens to artists all the time.

Fine artists are not like fashion designers who create on a corporate schedule, nor is their output anywhere near the volume of fashion designers. And yet, while artists are asked constantly to make new works of art for charity auctions, fashion designers typically sell overstock at such fund-raising events as 7th on Sale. It’s a major reason why the art at these auctions generally sucks and therefore ends up not being worth all that much.

Despite all this, Vogue’s enthusiasm for the Bono- and Damien Hirst-led Valentine’s Day auction benefitting AIDS relief in Africa is kind of infectious. It’s one thing to ask struggling artists to donate their time and effort, but these dudes are only dealing with art stars who’ve already made plenty of money. Sure, most of them are a little past their prime. But getting brand-name art is so hard these days that newer collectors may view the auction as an opportunity to get these resource-rich artists into their collections. And that kind of ego-led competition could be great for the kids.

It’s such a rarity for me to know the young stars featured in Teen Vogue. So I was thrilled when MILFy Mary-Louise Parker’s angsty TV son, played by Hunter Parrish, got a feature in the mag. Not only do I know who he is but also, well, look at him! He gives us girls some eye candy on Weeds, my favorite TV show right now. Speaking of which, now that the season is over, if any of my gazillion readers have thoughts on what is going to happen next year, send them in and let’s discuss. I’m trying to figure out how anybody but the Botwins can return. Whose got the inside scoop on contracts?