Straight from the school of Zoolander fashion photography! Ginnifer Goodwin with gigolos in W!

Despite the forced image subversion — the story is titled, “Goodwin Goes Bad” — ooh — let’s acknowledge the really serious reality check of the shoot. With relief from the cliche of girl love in favor of boy love — replete with jealousy, S&M and plywood — we’re getting something just a tad more reflective of the real, ah, cliches of fashion world, don’t you think?

Talk about disappointing! When I saw Marie Claire’s cover line, “Exclusive Pics! Ashley Olsen’s Makeover,” I thought I was in for a picture of health — you know, as far as women’s magazines are concerned — that included glowy skin, brushed-through hair, a not-quite-emaciated figure and clothes that are pressed and clean. Alas, it’s a cover lie! Because, really, wouldn’t you demand your money back, as well as an embargo on any images, if someone did this to you?

Apropos of absolutely nothing in the magazines, I am nevertheless obligated to convey this tidbit of disgustingness to all you strap-hanging MILFs: It is a violation of New York City Police rules and regulations for an officer to help a mother carry her child-occupied stroller up the steep and numerous stairs out of the subway station. How do I know? Reader, I, a woman in her eighth month of pregnancy toting around a 28-pound toddler in a running buggy, was refused any assistance whatsoever by two hulking men in uniform at the 96th Street 1-2-3 stop. When I appealed to their common human decency — and was brusquely brushed off again — I called them fucking assholes who deserve to rot in hell. Sadly, they declined to arrest me, thus denying me and my new cause the cover of The New York Post. Campaign deets to reverse the NYPD’s cowardly reaction to our litigious society coming soon. Mark this MILF’s words!

Anna Wintour’s frank preference for the malnourished body type is admirable, at least, for its unflinching honesty. And while even the magazine editors who are most outspoken about body-acceptance might not put their concurrence in the printed word — Cindi Leive of Glamour comes to mind — they most certainly do so in the printed image. So you’d think Anna’s protege, Amy Astley of Teen Vogue, would take the easy route and simply follow in Anna’s smooth-as-glass wake. But noooo. Astley, to her major discredit, instead uses the obesity epidemic, of all things, as pro-ana justification in her editor’s letter this month: “Outrage over the boniest of celebrities and mannequins seems to obfuscate the more urgent and widespread story about Americans and weight: Only about 1 percent of women in this country are anorexic, while obesity looms as perhaps our greatest national health crisis.” Oh, I see. It’s cool to promote Auschwitz arms — and make vulnerable teen girls feel like dog poop — because such a small number actually get full-blown ana. Never mind that a huge number suffers from body-image issues. Nor that 99 percent of the imagery out there celebrates trainer-toned bods that run on less than 1,000 calories per day. Nor the responsibility one carries with a young readership whose socioeconomic standing places it squarely in the jutting-collarbone worship zone. But Astley, who truly wields the kind of the influence that could zap the pernicious skinny scourge among teen girls, cares more about her readers as commodities than anything else. Because if she really believed models “would be even more beautiful with a few additional pounds on their bodies,” then she would never run this skimpy shot of Kate Bosworth in a bikini, except as a lesson in how not to look healthy. Alas, it’s about summer beach bodies.

Don’t scare the straighties! As if the readers of Harper’s Bazaar didn’t know that most fashion designers are — horrors! — gay, and — double horrors! — cohabitating with their boyfriends, the magazine shot a shelter story on cutie-pie Derek Lam in the most hetero manner possible (Lam’s ball-hugging denim, notwithstanding). For what other “Fashionable Life” feature has ever included a friend that’s a girl in addition to a female employee? Flat-out suggesting to a casual peruser that there’s no gayness happening whatsoever? C’mon, Stephen Gan! Know thyself and embrace!