What is a MILF?

Pronunciation: milf(milph)

Function: noun, acronym

Definition: Mom I’d Like to F*ck. (It also stands for Moro Islamic Liberation Front, the Filipino fundamentalist terrorist group that freaks out my nanny.)

Synonym: Hot mom. You don’t need to want to do it with her to justify her MILFiness.

Usage: Lets go to PS 234 in Tribeca and check out the MILFs picking up their kids.

Okay, I think I get it. Gimme examples.

Mrs. Ari Gold and Nancy Botwin are television’s poster MILFs. J.Lo has massive MILF potential now that she’s finally knocked up. And Stacy’s Mom is a MILF about which we’re willing to trust Fountains of Wayne.

But those are rich people who have round-the-clock help, personal trainers, thrice-weekly Thermage appointments and Zone deliveries to pick at. Is that what it takes?

Nope. My mom did none of that, and she is The Original MILF.

How does one become a MILF?

Obvie, motherhood is required. So is proper attention to looks—hair, skin, clothes, fitness. But! One can be a MILF and shop at The Gap and Sephora. As they say, it’s all in how you wear it.

Where can I do some MILF-cruising?

Tennis courts everywhere (we love the clothes). The Conde Nast cafeteria (we love the effort to be appreciated). And select school pick-up/drop-off points, like PS 321 in Park Slope. Chapin might seem like a shoe-in Upper East Side MILF-spotting location but dealing with the kids is the nanny’s job, whilst mummy’s is to look good. She is likely found at Pat Wexler’s office where one cannot gawk.

MILFs sound fabulous. Isn’t it vain to call yourself a MILF?

Yes. Don’t tell anybody I’m so self-centered.

What is a Magazine MILF?

That’s me.

Duh. What are you doing here?

Opinionating about magazines.

Who are you?

You can read about me here.

I am an editor at The New Yorker and I am dying to assign you a 6,000-word profile on Gwen Stefani, that MILFy empire builder. How do I get in touch with you?

Awesome! Email me! XO!

Well, I’m an editor at MagazineTK and I am dying to make you a Contributing Editor.

Awesome! Email me! XO!

And what if I am one of those people profiled in Sunday Styles who become famous with their blog comments?

Awesome! Email me! XO!

But I want everybody else to view my cleverness too.

Dude, I’m sorry but this makeup-wearing, clothing-obsessed MILF is already enough of a desperately time-strapped, multitasker to properly moderate the discussion. I excel at email though. Email me! XO!